First Light

First light. I awake with the thought that this morning I do not need to get out of my bed. I have nowhere specific to be right now. So my choice is to reset my alarm and sleep some more. I awake one hour later and repeat the process. Sleep is what I desire most right now. I am aware of the things I have decided I must do today, nagging away in the back of my mind. I re-calibrate the day to allow for more sleep. Even in my dreams I am constantly adjusting the schedule for day to come to allow for more rest. I am so very tired today.

Am I being present with this sleep? Giving in to a basic urge. Am I choosing to sleep or choosing to avoid the day? I wrestle with my own conscience and eventually I get out of the bed. The underlying sense of anxiety that follows me everywhere at the moment is like itchy skin. It’s there but I don’t want it. DO I stop and breathe and allow it to be? No. I move through the day as if in a fog, achieving small goals only for anxiety to preface the next moment again.

Traffic lights conspire against me on my various journeys and I fear I will be late but am not even once. I arrive every place at the right time to do what needs to be done. If I can trust more in the process all of this can be achieved without the anxiety. But maybe the anxiety, my constant companion is what drives me to achieve what I do.Who knows?

I end the day by playing drums with my Senegalese brother for the opening of an Art exhibition. The anxiety disappears to be replaced by a sense of absolute being. Playing. Singing. Losing myself and finding myself in the rhythm. Always the drum. Always my way home. It’s why I love to play. It is so freeing. So natural for me. So much of a release from thinking. It is pure emotional communication. Totally without thought.Pure instinct allows my hands to flow across the three animal skin heads. It is a moment of pure power. We finish and say our goodbyes and in the van on the journey home I notice the anxiety creeping back. Planning tomorrow. Planning the trip to Scotland. Planning the drum circle at the Universal Hall at Findhorn.

The Universal Hall

What a place to be landing at this point in my life. A centre for healing known across the globe. Another coming home perhaps. Another step closer to what Saki Santorelli suggests here.

“The willingness to stop and be present leads to seeing and relating to circumstances and events with more clarity and directness.  Out of this directness seems to emerge deeper understanding or insight into the life unfolding within and before us.  Such insight allows us the possibility of choosing responses most called for by the situation rather than those reactively driven by fear, habit, or long-standing training.”

– Saki Santorelli

Mindfully I can move into my own wounds. Greet every situation as if it were a treasured guest. Rumi says this much more eloquently than I ever could in his poem The Guest House.

This being human is a guest house. 

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

So I write my blog to engage myself, to try to understand more and to sit with the anxiety that is present even now as I prepare to sleep. More blogs on this subject can be found here at The Daily Prompt and below.

  1. Breathe In, Breathe Out « Sorta-Ginger
  2. Daily Prompt: First Light | Tranquil Dreams
  3. Death by Paper « Sandra’s scribbles
  4. Daily Prompt: First Light | clgmusings
  5. For Your Consideration: The Daily Prompt: First Light! | Chicago Gore
  6. Passport to Reality… The right time. | Travel Making Kai 🙂
  7. Daily Prompt: First Light | cambios de humor
  8. first light | brent’s iPhone 4S & japan
  9. PB&J in the Morning | rarasaur

6 thoughts on “First Light

  1. Misha says:

    Hi Paul! Your writing is truly very beautiful. It is hard to write so deeply without getting too heavy, and you really do it well. Glad to see you’re still scribbling away. Hugs from a fellow hero 🙂

    • paudearphotography says:

      Thank You Misha. It’s lovely to hear from you and to hear such words is very touching. I hope all is well on the journey. xx

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