Early morning and sleep evades me once more. The pc clock ticks ponderously and silently and my eyes are watery but unable to close. In the background Ram Dass talks to my deeper self and reminds me of the way forward….perhaps
“And then you see that it’s your expectations of your own mind that are creating your hell. “I expected you to be…”
When you get frustrated because something isn’t the way you thought, examine your thinking, not just the thing that frustrates you. And you will see that a lot of your suffering is created by your models about how the Universe ought to be. And your inability to allow it to be.
If I meet somebody that is a liar and a cheat, they are like an elm tree. They are the essence of lying and cheating. If I have a model people shouldn’t lie and cheat, then I am immediately in opposition to that person. I don’t have to play games with them. I may say “In the future, you and I can’t play together, because you are a liar and a cheat and I can’t play with you” but I at least appreciate and allow them their lyingness and cheatingness. That’s their problem, not mine.
My problem was my expectations. If you have a model that everybody is good and then somebody isn’t, then you end up hating the world and being all upset about the world because it isn’t the way you expected it to be. It’s like you come here and it’s a beautiful day, so you expect the next day is going to be beautiful. Then it rains, and you are disappointed.
Isn’t it funny that when it rains, you should be disappointed? To take nature and allow nature, when it’s in its natural state, to make you miserable. It says something about you. It’s like decaying and dying. If you are upset about decaying and dying, you’ve got a problem. You really do.
The mindfulness clock on my pc sounds it’s bell…a reminder to stop and breathe. My body aches and wants to rest more than anything but something in my heart is troubled and so wake I must. Here I sit, up against my deeper learning. How to be with emotional pain? How to accept it like the rainfall after a beautiful day. How to soften around the edges. I find myself at times like this drawn to certain writers and to an aspiration to understand more about this process. I love the words here of Pema Chodron.
“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.”
So I bow to the moment and to the pain and at the same time catch myself thinking, ‘it’ll go away now.’ Ha ha! Once again, ‘getting it right’ presents itself as my teacher and I continue to sit with all this knowledge and no answer. Once more to the rescue, Pema.
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. ”
There it is. I am letting there be room in my own way. By writing. It is becoming a ‘thing’ now for me. I began to ‘scribble’ just over 100 posts ago. Looking back at the beginnings, I can now see a voice emerging. It’s great that some folks like what I write and that some even drop by to comment, but the truth is I would be writing anyway. It has become a ‘thing.’02:40 GMT. Dawn is a long time coming but sleep may now come first.