Matters of the heart

Haibun Thinking: Art Week

I am doing  everything in my power to soften around the edges. To allow the vulnerability that sits at my core to just be there. To feel without self recrimination the pain that is present. Not to judge. Not to measure. Just to allow. To witness. As I would a cloud passing overhead in  the sky above. It’s not easy. Years of religious indoctrination coupled with critical voices handed to me by others at a formative time in my life mean that this is a challenge. My own personal Everest. Like a climb up a big mountain I move through this process slowly. One step at a time. Careful to be mindful of where I place my feet. Of where I touch my heart. Higher and higher or deeper and deeper. Same thing. Tears come and tears go. Cleansing and at times surprising. I am tired. This is difficult. If I want to reach the summit then I have to persevere. Giving in has never been an option. Perhaps it should. Perhaps that which I seek is unattainable. Perhaps I push for no reason. Perhaps the pushing is the problem. When to push? When to let go?

The Angels will watch

With Hearts full of compassion

This lonely journey

19 thoughts on “Matters of the heart

  1. Al says:

    A great Haibun Paul. When to give up and when to carry on will always be a problem. But with the angels watching, it may be easier. Thanks for joining in again this week 🙂

    • paulscribbles says:

      Thanks Anja. You must take credit for opening this particular floodgate with your artwork. Once I laid eyes on it there was only going to be one subject I could write about.

      • Anja says:

        That makes me very happy to hear that something I drew could help start such a beautiful piece of writing. 🙂

    • paulscribbles says:

      Thanks for the HUGS…Climb or not to climb is the question now…sometimes my default is to push on and recently I was stopped in my tracks by a friend asking ‘why don’t you ever give in?’
      I always thought it was a positive quality this ‘fighter’ but I am wondering now if there are some situations where giving in might be a more appropriate response. Thanks again for the HUGS

      • vastlycurious.com says:

        I think you should maintain instinctually who you are? It’s attractive and natural without restraint ! Compromise is good but leadership is rare.

  2. Brenda says:

    We all struggle with vulnerability. I heard a TED talk about that very topic, and it was very moving. That is the key to being happy according to the woman’s lifelong scientific research. Being vulnerable. So I agree with vastlycurious, keep climbing, my friend. Your heart knows what to do. And on the way, you will continue to make beautiful art, and cry tears of joy. 🙂

  3. Suzanne says:

    A very lovely description of the spiritual journey. It can be a lonely and difficult journey at times. I have read that parts of the journey are always taken alone – we have the inspiration of Buddha’s solitary meditations under the Bodhi tree, Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness and the knowledge that countless ascetics and mystics have lived alone in caves and on mountain tops to guide us during this part of our journey. As you haiku says – the angels are always there to guide us and keep us. In one sense we are never alone.

    • paulscribbles says:

      Ultimately the whole of the journey is taken alone I think…there are just times when you don’t feel so alone…perhaps the more challenging phases make us realise that ultimately we are. It’s no bad thing. As Pema Chodren says “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves to annihilation can that which is indestructable be found in us” Thanks for the kind words as always. x

      • Suzanne says:

        You certainly follow some profound teachers. It does feel annihilation at times. Very disconcerting sometimes. While we journey alone it is good to know there are others out there experiencing similar states of consciousness. x

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