the dark blanket

Image Source~Image Source~

Over at dVerse poets pub Grace host tonight.

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Hi everyone! Welcome to our OpenLinkNight ! This is your opportunity to link 1 poem of your choice as this is no prompt-day. For those who missed the Mr Linky deadline the past week or this Tuesday’s poetics about the “muse mixology” poem, this is also your opportunity to share your poem.   I also want to remind you that our Haibun Monday is still open the whole week.

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“I am not what happened to me,                                                                                                                                                            I am what I choose to become.”  Carl Jung.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to catch a cloud?

or fish out a reflection?

How to listen to and hear

the face in the mirror

that outside inside YOU

that tells you what you are not?

How to dance with stillness

and run to no place

to hide in plain sight?

How to express the inexpressible?

To feel that which is nameless and

to colour it invisible?

How to HOWL in the silence and

look like there is nothing going on?

How to fit because you think you must

and when everyone is trying to do that

surely none of us need to?

How to be the Me that has

thus far

escaped

my wispy

grasping?

I see you clearly and honor that

so easily

but it is only

illusion.

Filtered through a lack of seeing

ME.

Cracked lens world view.

Broken at birth.

Original syn-

tax on my soul.

Dark dis(comfort) blanket.

or is it?

how do I define a part of ME

without ME?

In truth I am

everywhere.

In the shadow

In the light.

I am here

and in the mirror.

The reflection is caught by itself.

There is no separation.

No illusion.

No walls.

No bridges.

No dark.

No light.

No point.

~~~~~~~

Over the years depression has come to visit me and then departed. No matter how many times it comes to stay, there always remains the possibility of it being the last.

It’s still that scary at times, despite years of personal development work on my behalf. Despite knowing how loved I am by family and community.

‘I might not make it through this time’ or ‘what is the point anymore’ are thoughts that occur still in the darkness.

For some people that darkest hour holds no promise of dawn. They never get to see it.

I understand that and I am so blessed to wake this day and see my own dawn once again. Perhaps this was depression’s last visit. I doubt it.

So work with it I must continue to do. Writing for me is an essential part of that process and so today I wanted to write about depression.

I strive to be of value in this world. To live in service to a greater good. To help my fellow human companions on their journey. All of them wherever I encounter them in real or virtual time.

I know now I don’t need to be perfect to achieve that. I know that by pulling myself out of the darkness each time it falls, I move into a place of more balance.

I can see both sides now.

I know that the light can consume me just as easily as the dark if I am not vigilant.

All I can offer is my own truth.

Authentic and cracked.

* Note: The conversation below about The Black Dog came about because I originally linked a video about depression to this poem. I have removed it after a conversation with Zenia because it holds Black Dogs in a poor light. There was no reference to The Black Dog in the Poem except the title which I have also changed.

Let’s see Black Dogs in the same light as all Dogs.

 

45 thoughts on “the dark blanket

  1. ladynyo says:

    Paul, your poem touched me deeply. I have been struggling with clinical depression for decades. It was something that instilled itself very early into my psyche. But! Although the cycles of depression come round and round….I am also realizing that regardless the amount of therapy I have had….the one thing that gives me hope and also a berth on this Earth….is writing and painting. We can cling to these things, our talents, and realize that we are extremely productive and bringing forth honorable presentations. Our confidence in our sanity, our amazement in our abiding strength….grows and in fact, our strength to survive has always been inside us. And this is what keeps us alive. My love and honor to you, Paul, as you struggle with this (Churchillian) black dog.

    • paul scribbles says:

      Thank You for this heartfelt comment. Funny you should mention Churchill and The Black Dog. I am re-framing that image to send out a more positive canine vibration thanks to Zenia. Onward with our artistic endeavors I say. Paint and write and make music.

      • ladynyo says:

        Yep…I have just about all of Churchill’s work. He’s not in ‘favor’ these days, but damn….he sure had an interesting life. I’m presently reading his “The Age of Revolution”….his essays on the American Revolution and also his comments, observations on Pitt and George 111. I think these things are worthy still …and relevant. I understand Zenia’s concern about black dogs. I adopted an English Staffie a year ago. She was brought in pregnant, abused, afraid of every man, and with heartworms. They could have killed her, but her personality was so marvelous, sweet. We saw her and immediately adopted her. Apparently, here in the South, people don’t adopt black dogs much…sorta like the Muslims. Dogs in general for them… but we got the most wonderful dog in Mia. Black dog?? A dog with a golden heart. Cats love her, too. I wish I had her personality.

  2. Jane Dougherty says:

    You should get a black dog, Paul. I don’t know any better therapy than canine. At the very least they make you so exasperated it takes your mind off yourself 🙂 Sorry if it sounds flippant, it’s not meant to be. I get mild depression in the winter as a symptom of a my strange auto-immune condition.

      • Jane Dougherty says:

        Hanging out is the fun bit. When you live with one, you have to feed it, take it out for walks, take it to the vet, keep it away from hoodlum dogs, make sure it has the right food, its blanket at night. Dogs don’t let you forget you owe them 🙂 Even if they don’t take your mind off yourself completely, they give you less time for it.

  3. Björn Rudberg (brudberg) says:

    This painted both the darkness, and that deep conviction that there is a dawn somewhere… I have only been brushed with melancholy, but i think I have felt the smell of the dark caves below from time to time… so I think I can grasp some of what it means… I hope it was the last.

  4. Waltermarks says:

    I think a black dog is a wonderful idea, poetry wise and for real (if you are able). My wife has had trouble with depression for many years. It’s why I originally started writing. I had many days off with little to do. God Bless You in the midst of struggles!

  5. Grace says:

    A moving personal share Paul ~ I think we are all work in progress, learning to be us in the most authentic that we can be ~ I turn to writing as well when I feel depressed or sad and its therapeutic ~ Mine is just seasonal though and doesn’t stay that long ~ Hope all is well with you ~

  6. Iris says:

    I agree with Paul. When you have a bunch of kids, they ARE your pets. Although, my daughter got a couple of goldfish recently, which has really helped with my husband’s anxiety and depression. I’m a Betta girl myself, but to each his own. 🙂

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