the journey

Hosted by this is Open Link Night at dVerse Poets Pub

You are free to pick ONE poem of your choice to share today.

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This is a work in progress and the theme is the journey into and out of depression. I am not there now. These thoughts are penned from many different experiences and times past. There is a form here that meets itself in the middle..the first line mirrors the last both in image and meter, the second the second last and so on until both threads meet at the mid point. The poem descends and then ascends into and out of this point.Two halves of the same coin…wings of yin and yang. Enjoy the journey.

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dark black void engulfing me

i am lost in this eternity

hopelessness spills from my veins

no more tears

heart shut

from the outside in

vulnerability

no love

out pours silent scream

void unto the void

grow no more

this journey has come to it’s bitter end

i go

stand in the garden of the debris of me

there is nothing here at all

no touch

no sight

no more feeling

no longer any sense of perception

lost and longer lost

there is no core to me

no more joy

no hope

no spark of light to tend to

a cold shadow envelops me

i shiver in this chill dawn

falling away and losing the light of lights

dark black shapeless thing

crucible of shamed me

not even able to surrender

i was completely lost

i gave it all up

no time

i fell and i fell

there was no edge to this sea this

black void

the depths to which I was falling

no one could see

i new it to be

to be true always. always i knew it

‘nothing

this is who you are

don’t waste your time’

it’s as if the pile of dark matter was laughing at me

nothing here

i am the futility

day after day

nothing

there is just nothing here

in this darkest of places

within me

where all that I could see was bad

dissipation of good

smothering me

and nothing it was everywhere

nothing is  what I found

nothing to look for in here

eternity

it took a while

searching among the debris

always finding nothing

there was of course a lot of it

debris that is

accumulated piles

of everything i thought was bad

about me

in that darkest of places

there must be something here

something

time after time

i came up empty handed

nothing there

it’s as if the pile of dark matter was laughing at me

‘don’t waste your time

this is who you are

nothing’ 

i behaved as if it were true. sometimes

most times

i so believed it

others did not

they told me they could see something

something

but when i looked i could not find

i looked and i looked

for years

i never gave up

and one day i found it

a tiny little glowing ember

hidden in the debris

soft warm loving thing

i picked it up and it glowed a little more

i cocooned it in my palms

felt its warmth spread across my being

this tiny little ember

this hope

this small joy

this core part of me

no longer lost

no longer someone else’s perception

i could feel it

see it

touch it

this tiny little ember

here in the garden of the debris of me 

a glow

this tiny little ember has begun

to grow and

layer by layer

i let in the love

my love

like making an onion

from the inside out

heart open

tears flowing

gratitude flowing through my veins

i am blessed with this discovery

this tiny little ember

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

22 thoughts on “the journey

  1. scotthastiepoet says:

    Well Paul I like this a lot, you seem to create a spiral effect with this tenderly emotional and evocative writing, which came at me in well sculpted loops. Altogether very impressive

  2. Bodhirose says:

    I could deeply relate to this having been in deep despair and darkness myself (more than once) and then found a spark…it doesn’t take much sometimes to help pull us back to life and love again. Thank you, Paul, for sharing such a personal journey. I believe it can help others if we share our stories and perhaps give hope. Too, it can be cathartic and help us process our experiences.
    Gayle ~

  3. therisa says:

    Paul, in more ways, than I can mention, your poem describes my own struggles with chronic depression, from a young child to a middle-aged adult, as I deal with my abusive past that I have suppressed for most of my life, until August 14, 2007. Since then, I have been dealing with PTSD flashbacks, anxiety disorders, and prolong bouts of agoraphobia, while transitioning and dealing with my transphobic mom. Am so happy, for you, that you have found that small ember, to grow and heal. Thank you, for your bravery, for sharing this very personal journey.

    • paul scribbles says:

      Thank You Therisa for dropping by and commenting. Good luck with your own journey and just try to keep showing up…that’s all we can do…there is I believe a tiny ember there for us all.

  4. Singledust says:

    stand in the garden of the debris of me – when we throw all that is hurting and bringing us down, strip ourselves bear and see the debris, we can pick at the good among the trash and build a new me – thats what that line said to me. This was very moving. I see so much care in placing the words and timing the exit of some, thank you for sharing this.

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